


you still hold me tight, you won't let go.

by foliageashes



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Ash Lynx Lives, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Ash Lynx's Past, Overthinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:05:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27400138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foliageashes/pseuds/foliageashes
Summary: It's been two years since Ash Lynx got up and went to Japan to see Eiji, forever leaving his old life behind.Or so he thought it would be that easy.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 2
Kudos: 107





	you still hold me tight, you won't let go.

It’s been two years since Ash left New York. To say he missed it would be an overstatement. He could think about the hell New York City was for hours, and still not name a single thing he missed. Former male prostitution, murder, gang leader. As soon as he stepped on the plane that took him to Izumo, he could still feel the weight of the titles attempting to drag him back. 

Will that ever go away?

Thoughts like these crawled dangerously around his mind when he was most vulnerable. Hell, all the time, since in Izumo he was as vulnerable as he could be. He couldn’t even remember the last time he picked up his trusty Smith & Wesson. He totally forgot the feeling of his hand molding around the cold grip, pointing the short barrel to someone’s head, his finger slowly pulling the trigger back, and—

“Ash?”

Ash jumped a bit, his body and mind lagging back to reality. He had spaced out again, staring up at the ceiling. He let out a muffled sigh and ran his hand over his face. His bitter thoughts were keeping him from falling asleep again. Gripping his blond locks, he forced his emerald green eyes shut. Maybe if he counted sheep in his head, he could fall into slumber.

“Ash.”

His eyes opened again at his name being called softly beside him. The voice that broke him from the lingering thoughts in the first place. The voice that belonged to the person who was his only reason for being here. He turned his head, his eyes connecting to brown ones.

Eiji.

Ash only stared into his deep, brown eyes, lost for words. He forgot that the older boy was just calling his name, and probably needed something. But he wasn’t just lost for words. His brain was completely  _ fuzzed  _ from the damaging thoughts. 

“Are you okay, Ash?” Eiji asked in the softest tone ever. Ash wondered if it was possible to cry from hearing such a voice, because he was close.

“. . .’M fine,” Ash muttered, but his eyes didn’t match his words. Usually no one could figure that one out, since he had to put on a facade for more than a decade of his life. But this was Eiji. He didn’t have to hide his emotions, despite the urge to. “Just. . . No, nevermind.” He rolled over, his bare back now facing Eiji. “Go back to sleep.”

“Ash. . .” Everytime Eiji said his name, it was as sweet and smooth as honey. So filled with worry and concern. Anyone who heard it couldn’t help but open up. He slowly reached to him, but his hand froze mid-air. “Is it okay if I touch you?”

Ash gave him a jerk of a nod.

Eiji slowly put his hand on Ash’s shoulder blade, the flinch from the blond not going unregistered. He slowly got closer and wrapped his arms around him, nuzzling the spot between his neck and shoulder. “I just want you to know, you can talk to me when you’re feeling down. You know that, right, Ash?”

No response.

Eiji accepted that the younger boy didn’t want to talk, and only held him. He knows just being here like this was enough for Ash, so he shouldn’t pester him to talk about whatever was on his mind.

“Eiji,” Ash managed, his voice tiny. 

“Yes?”

“Eiji. . .” Ash echoed. He curled up more on himself, contemplating on his diction. “You. . . Do you hate me?”

Eiji sat up quickly, the weight shifting. “Ash!” His voice wasn’t angry, but worried with a hint of surprise. “I could never. Do you think I hate you?”

Ash felt his heart drop as Eiji’s warmth and touch pulled away from him in a flash. Has he said something wrong? He heaved himself up into sitting position too, but he kept his head hanging and eyes attached to the sheets. “You don’t hate me?” 

“No,” Eiji told him. “Never.”

Ash pressed the heel of his palm to his forehead, hesitant. “Sorry, then. I’m just. . . confused, because. . . I think you should.”

Eiji settled next to him and put his hand on his shoulder carefully. “Why do you think that?”

“Your life could be normal if it weren’t for me. Aren’t you tired of me? Constantly having to deal with me must be a pain in the ass.” His hand moved to cover his eyes. “Constant nightmares and ruthless thoughts, and you always end up waking in the middle of the night to comfort me.”

“Ash. . .”

“In New York, too,” Ash went on, his voice having an intense shake. “The day we met, you—you almost died, just because I was a  _ fucking idiot.  _ It’s like we were never meant to meet in the first place—”

“Aslan,” Eiji said warmly, “don’t say that. I’m  _ so  _ glad we met.” 

_ Aslan _ . His real name. The word that grounds him to reality and reminds him he isn’t just the cold-blooded murderer who was Ash Lynx. It also makes his heart ache whenever Eiji says it. The tears begin to come now. He sobbed into his hand, his shoulders heaving and body trembling.

“Oh, Ash,” Eiji said and pulled him close, letting Ash cry into his shoulder. “Ash, it’s okay. Don’t cry.” He soothingly rubbed his back. “None of what happened was your fault.”

“You got shot because of me,” Ash whined, painfully sucking in a breath past the flooding tears. “I—I let my guard down. You can’t ignore that.”

“You’re right, I can’t ignore it, but I can ignore you saying it’s your fault, because that’s not true,” Eiji said with a soft smile. “Ash, look at me.”

Ash didn’t budge. He only cried.

“Please, Ash. I want to show you something,” Eiji told him.

After a few seconds of more crying, Ash slowly raised his head from his hand. His red, puffy eyes stared into Eiji’s doe eyes.

Eiji held his gaze, his smile remaining. After brushing the streams of tears away from Ash’s cheeks with his thumb, he grabbed his trembling hands. “What do you think about yourself?”

Ash gaped while his hands slowly stopped trembling from Eiji’s touch. “. . .I think I’m a terrible person,” he admitted dolefully. “A monster.”

Eiji smiled. “I don’t think that. Do you want to know why?”

“Why,” the blond asked helplessly.

Eiji slowly raised Ash’s pale hands to his lips and kissed his knuckles softly. 

Ash watched, perplexed and tired. With every kiss, an inch of warmth flowed through his body to calm his aching heart.

After Eiji was done pressing softness into Ash’s hands, he looked up at him and smiled. “A monster wouldn’t have such kind hands. Hands that I want to hold and kiss. Wouldn’t you agree, Aslan?”

Ash’s face contorted from remorse and more tears building up. How could he believe Eiji? His hands were stained from other people’s blood. They were  _ dirty _ . How could Eiji be holding them like they’re  _ normal _ ? With a tear rolling down his cheek, he shuddered out, “But—”

“No buts,” Eiji said, pressing his index finger against Ash’s lips and wiping away the tear. “I am older, so you should listen.”

Ash gave him a barely visible smile at the protest. Huffing and sniffling, he wiped the edges of his wet eyes with his finger. “How come you only pull that card when I’m a mess?” he teased.

Eiji grinned, flicking Ash’s nose playfully. “Because it’s the only way you will listen! You are stubborn!”

Like a puppet’s strings who’ve been cut, Ash dropped into Eiji, resting on his chest.

Eiji blinked, arms stretched out. “Eh?”

“Thank you, Eiji,” Ash muttered into his shirt, his arms loosely around him. “For helping me. And keeping your promise.”

Eiji smiled and put his arms around him in return. Pressing a soft kiss into his hair, he whispered, “Forever.”

  
  



End file.
